Seize the day

Sitting here listening to silence... just the clock ticking and the sound of the keyboard clicking.  Life can be noisy and it is so nice to remain still and quiet sometimes.  I've been really busy the past few months.  We went to Florida for a two week holiday and then it was my son's 4th birthday.  We painted his room and decorated it in a solar system / space theme.  He loved it.  I also threw him a space themed birthday party for his best friends and a few family members.  I still have some decorations hanging.  My little boy is growing up so quickly and it saddens me to think I will only have a preschooler for another 3 months.  Everyone needs to grow up I guess but I don't want to miss a moment.  Once he starts school, it doesn't stop, and after school comes work, and marriage, and...  okay, I know I am getting way ahead of myself.  He is still a little boy who loves to cuddle and play with his mommy and have tickle fights.  He still shouts "I love you Mommy" in the middle of a crowd.  He blows kisses and tells me to make sure to catch them and put them in my heart.  He asks to sit on my lap because it's more comfy.  He needs me for things still... like helping him get dressed, making him lunch and brushing his teeth, although lately there are more and more things he doesn't need me for anymore like going to the washroom and being tall enough to turn on and off all the lights on his own.  I like feeling needed.  I am going to miss having him home with me 24 hours a day.  Sigh...  I need another baby.  

I have shared so many happy, precious moments with Ryan.  His smile lights up the room and when he is happy I am happy.  He is happy a lot. :)   Sure, there are moments of frustration too and times of anger.  But I only remember the happy times which far outweigh the bad anyway.  Last friday we went to wonderland for the first time this season.  Wonderland is Ryan's "favourite place on earth".  It is one of mine as well.  I've always loved wonderland, which is probably why my first job was working there as a ride operator for 3 years.  At times when I'm standing in line with Ryan especially for a ride that I used to work at, I am reminded of that time in my life that I was young and single and just starting to form my own identity and find out who I am.  Those memories are like ones of a movie I watched ... very distant, and though those times helped form who I am, the person I was then is completely different from the person I am now, not only because of the people in my life but my personality is different.  I am much more confident and know who I am and who I am not.  I am also less naive and also a little more hardened.  I think I was a much softer person back then and have guarded myself off since in some ways.  I would love to regain that softer side but keep my confidence and self-awareness.  Thinking of how my life then was a completely different life to my life now, makes me reflect on how my life in another 15-20 years will again be completely different than now.  I love my life right now and it saddens me to think of how in the future I will be thinking back to these days longing to be here again laughing and playing with my little boy.  All I can do is seize the day.  I can't promise I won't have regrets, but I do know that I am consciously making a point to enjoy it while it lasts.  

My mom used to play this song for my sister and I when we were kids and it always made me remember that life goes on.  Even though it is about a little girl, I feel the lyrics sentiments about my little boy.

Slipping through my fingers by ABBA

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny

What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers...

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile...