I have a hard time opening up, relaxing in social environments, and connecting emotionally even with my own family. It's always been that way and it's not something I can control. Social environments can overwhelm me at times and I get this anxiety starting to bubble up inside me in loud environments or after a certain amount of time has elapsed in a social atmosphere. I have always believed in the importance of relationships and despite feeling very awkward in new social situations, I have always pushed myself to be among other people because it feels better to be with people than feel isolated and alone. Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the world, so though it is sometimes hard for me, and though sometimes I still end up feeling alone, I have always pushed myself past the awkwardness, past the anxiety, and past my fears. It has been good for me, and good for others. It will be good for my children. I have never used my anxiety or difficulty connecting as an excuse. I don't think I ever will. I can be too hard on myself, and often spend far too long inside my head. I have always been much better at opening up through words on paper or a screen and just can't do it well in person. All of my closer friendships have developed through letter writing, on paper or through email. Even my marriage started because our emotional issues and feelings were discussed over email. We've had our ups and downs, and our share of relationship problems - we separated after 2 years of marriage partially because of our communication issues. But when we got back together I think we had a clearer idea of what life would be like with one another and made a decision to be in it despite any difficulties we come across and nobody understands me better than him. I am far from perfect - I have a hard time being compassionate in the moment (it takes some processing first) or being emotionally available. I have a lot of good qualities too - like being independent, smart, organized, and level headed. We have a happy life. At least I think so.
I often feel lost in social situations and I created a social group to connect with other moms in a way I felt more involved. I am the creator, organizer - the person that makes it all happen - so I'm just not some quiet person lost in the background of all the noise and connection happening around me. If I can't be connected emotionally to other people - I am happy I am at least the reason it is happening between others. It is so important for people to genuinely connect and not feel so alone. More important than pretending to be someone you are not. More important than a clean house. I open my house frequently to guests, friends, and family. Though I do my best to clean all the clutter, sweep up the floor and clean all the counter and table tops when I have guests, my house will be far from perfectly clean. Should you choose to visit you won't find sparkly clean floors. My carpets may need a vacuum, my windows haven't been cleaned for ages, sometimes there is clutter laying around, my bathrooms may need some cleaning (especially the upstairs ones which visitors seldom use), and I won't look like I stepped out of a beauty salon. My hair will probably be pulled back into a ponytail. I need a hair cut so badly (very difficult with a baby). I usually try to wear the best of what I own, but my clothes will be comfortable and I don't often get new clothes as I'm a stay at home mom with very limited income. What you will find is a person who is trying to make you feel at home and welcome. I want you to feel comfortable enough to have me over as well without feeling you have to spend hours scrubbing the floors and putting on a "show". I want you to not feel alone and like my home is ALWAYS open to you. I want to be your friend. Maybe I can't connect emotionally as well as most of your other friends, and I have a very hard time with phone calls (to the point I try to avoid them) but it doesn't mean I don't care about you, or that you aren't important.
Through all of it, because I have pushed myself into awkward uncomfortable (at times) situations, I don't feel as alone. I have a wonderful husband, parents, sister, in-laws and other family members, and friends who care. And I've realized it's okay to be different, it's okay if some people don't get me or don't want anything to do with me. God made me special and though I'm not perfect, as long as I am trying to be the best I can be, striving for improvement and loving as much as I can (which is more about action than it is about a feeling anyway), I'm doing good.
My point is - I encourage every one to push themselves and step out of their comfort zone once in awhile. Good things may happen.
